10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”