10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes