10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.