My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
This took me a second..
Can Happiness buy money?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.