I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.