Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!