No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories