British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”