Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge