When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Ferrari squats