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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.