my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
God has abandoned us.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.