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She puts the hot in psychotic
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible