I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
![]()
You Might Also Like
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
PLEASE READ
![]()
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
![]()