My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.