If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead