The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.