There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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fly smarter, not harder
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Dune (2021)
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now