There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?