babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.