@sarousti

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

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@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

@JohnLyonTweets

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

@skittle624

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

@Holy_Mowgli

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

@GloriaFallon123

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

@SteveKoehler22

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

@samalmightysam

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

@BraandoCommando

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.