Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
You Might Also Like
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
And that about sums it up.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine