Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
You Might Also Like
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
12. I think about this all the damn time
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.