The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
You Might Also Like
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I鈥檓 gonna enjoy this one
Hi, I鈥檓 pleased to announce that I鈥檝e arrived just in time to make everything worse
Yup….perfect score!
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Just accidentally spilled my cat鈥檚 food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 馃槀
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Breaking news:
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
is this a threat
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Just a reminder that you鈥檙e not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they鈥檙e stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight