is this a threat
You Might Also Like
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
just having fun
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk