is this a threat
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Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!