In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???