The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Thursday
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.