Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
That took me a moment.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house