I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.