If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Knock Knock
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.