@nPhelendriqal

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

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@bobvulfov

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

@mdob11

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

@AndyAsAdjective

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

@DOB_INC

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

@rickkondell

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@StruggleDisplay

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@IQuitWriting

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?