@nPhelendriqal
@bobvulfov WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
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@bobvulfov 
@mdob11 I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
@AndyAsAdjective “I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
@DOB_INC Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
@rickkondell There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
@LeahTiscione Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
@StruggleDisplay I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
@VampireIguana Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
@KimmyMonte Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
@IQuitWriting Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?