There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.


Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”


There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.


I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.


Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?