There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

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1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.


Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.


I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.


Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.


Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.


Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.


Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.


Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?


I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.