There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Don’t touch that.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
R.I.P.
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.