There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You Might Also Like
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Friday
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯