There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
