Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me trying to “trust the process”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”