I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
We’re all getting idioter.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?