@Bob_Janke

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

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@_elvishpresley_

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

@WittySassBasket

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

@nekolot

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

@MadHatterMommy

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

@FormerHumorist

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

@UNDEADTRESOR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.