*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!