Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The booster protects against what, now?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Somebody’s lying.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government