Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You Might Also Like
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
The real reason evolution started..😂
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”