Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.