Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be