*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!