July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
You can鈥檛 fix everything, you鈥檙e not a giant asteroid.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 馃槶
Me: 馃槓鈽癸笍
Me: I thought I was your best friend 馃槶
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Pretty certain I can more drunk
pls suprot
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.