Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing