If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
You Might Also Like
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me