In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Rt to bother an English speaker
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses