In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak