god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*jingles half the way*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore