Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
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I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
me as a parent
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider