When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.