It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
set yourself free xox
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.