I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*