*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.