No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I bet
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.