AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”