GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The asteroid..
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
#TopTip
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.