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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Spring of Deception
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo